Caussey's Corner

Caussey’s Corner: A Humorous Look at Aches and Pains

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One of the nice things about having pain is that everyone has a prescription for eradicating the nuisance. One friend told me to quit eating potatoes and turnips except when the moon is full. Another suggested that the soda industry was out to get bad-jointed-folks by placing a poisonous sweetener in the beverages that makes one infertile. And all this time I thought that arthritis was the culprit concerning my knees when the problem was infertility. Wow, I feel better already.

Caussey's Corner: A Humorous Look at Aches and Pains
Photo: envato elements

Listening to me complain publicly about the pain, a colleague recommended a particular kind of drug that was new. I had heard it advertised on television, so I thought I would give it a try. The label boasted that the medication was good for aches and pains in all the body’s muscles and joints. But there was a warning. Although the drug was wonderful, there were some cautions.

You were not to use if you had brain, heart or liver problems, if you had ever had ulcers, diarrhea, were breastfeeding, had thoughts about sex the past decade, or within 18 hours of eating. After applying the ointment, you should not drive, sleep, watch television, or talk on the phone. One could experience hot flashes, cold flashes or just flash brightly after application. If nausea, fainting spells, and constipation should persist more than 7 days it would be wise to contact the doctor or a plumber. It would also be helpful if you memorized the poison hotline number. There was also a place at the bottom of the label that listed local funeral homes, pro bono attorneys, and organ donor centers.

Well, after using the miracle salve, I began to feel much better. Yet I did develop a slight headache, and my elbow and right knee began to light up. I tried to focus on the soothing warmth in my shoulder, but still had a great desire for a large order of fries and a quarter-pounder. For several days after application, all the women looked wonderfully beautiful, and I began to have thoughts that I haven’t had since I was in the army.