Texas doesn’t make it easy to leave. You can drive eight hours north from Brownsville and still not make it out. And if you’ve ever entered the state from the east on I-10, you’ve seen that ungodly number that lets you know just how far you are from El Paso. That’s probably when you take one hand off the wheel and gesture “Whew!” Thank goodness you aren’t trying to escape out the other end.
If life does pull you out of the great state for one reason or another, there are some things you better get straight before you hit that state line:
1. Learn to two-step. You get extra points for spins.
2. Learn to make a mean margarita. Neon green mix is not invited to the party.
3. Learn to pick a guitar. Or, at least know someone who can.
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4. Learn to ride a horse. Cliché? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely.
5. Go to a high school football game. The crowd under the Friday night lights is electric.
6. Get some boots. Non-Texans expect that you’ll have them on hand for country concerts and costume parties.
7. Float the river at least once, so you’re an expert on the art. You know good and well that your ice chest needs its own tube.
8. Learn to make some sweet tea. Sit down for this: Some states don’t offer sweet tea in restaurants, nor do they know what it is. #sugarmakesitbetter
9. Learn to smoke a brisket. Your great-great grandfather’s recipe or YouTube instructions — just open that pit and smoke some meat.
10. Tamales. Yes, it’s a noun and not a verb, but it’s everything in a Texas December. Either make yourself a Christmas celebrity and make them from scratch or have the down-low on where to find them.
11. Work “y’all” into everyday conversation. It’s an English time-saver. Master it, and spread it around the globe.
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12. Acquire a taste for good salsa. You’ll never regret it.
13. Learn to put breakfast in a taco. Anyone can sizzle bacon and eggs in unison, but Texas takes it a step further. Texas wraps it up into a tortilla.
14. Say “Yes ma’am” or “Yes sir.” It’s a lost art, and Texans, along with some southern alliances are bringing it back.
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15. Drive like you aren’t in a rush. Let people in, wave in thanks and keep those ornery middle fingers at 10 and two where they belong.
16. Own the Texan charm. You smile at random strangers on the street without thinking a thing of it. That’s part of what makes you a Texan — own it. The world could use a little Texas.
Some Texans might argue that the number one thing you should master before you leave Texas is how to get back immediately. But if you can’t get yourself back to Texas, at least bring a few pieces of Texas with you.
