BREAKING NEWS: The far-left militia group known as the Not F***in’ Around Battalion (Not FAB) has been granted the state of Texas as reparations for slavery. The reparations policy entitles the militia to form an “autonomous zone” in the entirety of Hoax County, near El Paso. All Texans currently living in the county will be required to relocate no later than April 1 of next year. The militia’s leader, Grand Poohbah J. Phulespranc, told media outlets that after a one-year trial period, once the group has proven their ability to self-govern, Greg Abbott will cede the Lone Star State to Not FAB. Reports indicate that Gov. Abbott will hold a press conference soon to announce the reparations policy and his plan for Texans to relocate to a territory in Alaska approved for homesteading.
Headquarters for the Hoax County Autonomous Zone will be housed in the former Auto Zone building. In turn, the Autonomous Zone’s Auto Zone will be relocated to the abandoned Hoax County rattlesnake rehabilitation and sandworm milking facility. A spokesperson for Not FAB, Grand Gizzard Eldritch Entwistle, reports that the county will be gun-free, with the militia enforcing their laws through “love and mutual understanding.” The sole tree in the county died last fall, due to acute botanical shock shortly after experiencing the first raindrops it had felt since 1998. County infrastructure is not equipped for water, electricity, or gas. Although no fencing separates the county from the Mexican state of Chihuahua, Not Fab reports that this will allow the group to annex Mexico, draft MS-13 members into their ranks, and “become more powerful than your puny minds ever dreamed.”
Photo: envato elements
As part of his new infrastructure plan, President Biden has announced a special works project for the Hoax County Autonomous Zone, allowing “undocumented immigrants” to be released from holding facilities and housed in the Hoax County Super 9 Motel. The immigrants will begin work on a 33-foot statue of Grand Poohbah Phulespranc, to be placed overlooking the new Texjas Street. Following this, the immigrants will be put to work on a specially-designed border fence that will “keep out hate but let love in.”
According to Grand Poobah Phulespranc, after the one-year trial period is a success, the state formerly known as Texas will become its own nation, consisting of multiple Autonomous Zones. The new nation will be welcomed onto the world stage as the “United Snowflakes of Non-America.” Dr. Fauci has already been shortlisted to head up the county’s VD clinic. Hillary Clinton and “top aide” Effrey Jepstein will oversee the local office of Texas Child Protective Services. Ted Cruz has agreed to vacation there once a year, provided the Grand Poohbah acknowledges in writing that Sen. Cruz has a “lustrous and full beard that in no way looks weird or pandering.” Greta Thunberg will be honored to serve as the new EPA comptroller on the condition she is allowed to legally change her name to Greater Thunderbird. Joe Rogan will consider hosting his podcast in the county seat, if he is allowed to compete in the Autonomous Zone’s tallest man tournament.
Photo: envato elements
Any American citizens who find themselves dissatisfied with the US Constitution and the traditional values of the west will be provided free transportation to the new country along with a COVID passport signed by Gov Abbot. Not Fab is now accepting corporate franchises to join them in developing their new county, city, and country.
Face masks and social distancing will be mandated in the United Flakes, with the face mandate extending to dogs, cats, cattle, horses, and any centipedes whose length exceeds 12 inches. A special militia squad called Kraken Wranglers will be tasked with trapping and masking the area’s endangered population of jackalopes and chupacabras.
The deadline for all Texans to vacate Hoax County is April Fool’s Day, exactly one year from the publication date of this breaking news story.
As you’ve probably figured out by now, this is an April Fool’s joke, but you might be surprised to learn there is a militia group that wants land in Texas. You can watch that very real video below!
